Self-Value and the Freedom to Think Differently

When she opened the front door, I smiled and asked, “How are you doing?” She responded with, “Well, now that you asked, I’m not doing so well.”

“What’s wrong?” I asked. She proceeded to chew me out about what I did wrong with the move. I recognized that there were some misunderstandings, and I attempted to bridge some of the gaps.

At first, I was in shock at the points she was making. In my head I was thinking, “Wow, is this really happening?” And then she proceeded to call me a “bad friend.” I knew that was ridiculous. It was at this point that I could feel myself detaching from the conversation.

I realized that whatever was bothering her didn’t have anything to do with me, and I was in no mood to be her punching bag. I remained calm and kind (which I’d imagine baffled her), and in short order I gave her the keys and left.

Over the next few days I digested the conversation. I was proud of myself for having the presence of mind to recognize that engaging with her in anger wouldn’t have helped anything. I’m a lover not a fighter. I like contributing to help folks feel comfortable, valued and at ease. That’s my thing.

I did, however, safely release what I had absorbed from the conversation. I proceeded to tell her everything I needed to tell her in the safety of my own space. And yes, my emotions came in waves. I ran the gamut with anger, hurt, sadness, understanding and bewilderment. There were instances when I was either driving my car or hanging out at home where I cussed her ass out.

As the days passed and the experience didn’t sting anymore because I safely released it with harm to none including myself, I was able to see how far I’d come in my healing journey.

The combination of energetic sensitivity and low self-esteem can be a potent one-two punch. For decades I would always blame myself whenever something went wrong, even if it didn’t have anything to do with me. With my relentlessly mocking inner critic I would, without question, accept the worst about myself. There was a time when I would have accepted her description of me as a “bad friend” as truth and I would beat myself up about it.

In Episode Four of my Healing Emotional Eating podcast, I talk about neuroplasticity, which simply means that how we think isn’t etched in stone like scientists once believed.

We can shift the well-oiled machine of beating ourselves up by simply stating the facts of something. We can shift the well-oiled machine of beating ourselves up by questioning our imagination — oftentimes we automatically believe what we imagine as truth.

We can heal by first being aware of our train of thought, separating fact from imagination, and continuously reaffirming our goodness and value. For example:

• Just because your mom left doesn’t mean you’re discardable. Your mom left. That’s the only fact.
• Just because your parents divorced doesn’t mean you’re unlovable. Your parents divorced. That’s the only fact.
• Just because you were mocked or teased doesn’t mean you’re sub-standard.
• Just because you experienced abuse doesn’t mean you’re not valuable.

And with my experience last month, I was able to separate fact from fiction in the moment. Just because she believes I am a bad friend doesn’t mean that I’m a bad friend. I allowed her to speak her truth without it impacting mine. I allowed her to state her truth while recognizing that it wasn’t my truth.

I invite you to consider that you can reaffirm your own value by acknowledging what you do well, again and again. I invite you to consider that, when it comes to what you experience, it doesn’t impact your value at all. I invite you to consider that your experiences and your value are not actually connected, even though it may feel like they are.

I salute you for recognizing your personal freedom to see things differently. I salute you for opening up your imagination in a more life-affirming way. And, the way I see it, you always deserve to be firmly rooted within your self-value.